Posted: Jul. 21, 2009 - 6 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

Like many of you, I read John Hazlehurst’s article “Liar, Liar” as well visiting the cyberdating expert’s site – Julie Spira – who is a member here.

I can tell you that a few years ago I got a message online from a woman who recognized my profile from another site we had both been on previously, and she asked me how I did it. What? I asked. How did you shave five years off your age since the last time I saw your profile?
So I am guilty like so many of us of thinking that the real me could not “succeed” in the dating world.
Unfortunately this speaks to the deep insecurities of many of us, and in fact the success of online can probably be traced directly to the fact that we can try to mask some of these perceived shortcomings behind a virtual profile.
Of course I realize that this is a mistake, if in fact the objective is to transcend fantasy and actually connect in the real world.
In fact, I have long been a proponent of honesty in almost everything I do, mainly because it makes it so much easier to keep my story straight.
But I guess what troubles me about the quotes in the “Liar, Liar” piece and what I hear around me in general is the anger and harsh tone of people involved in something that is essentially an interpersonal endeavor to find connection.
It’s really about humanity, not statistics.
I completely understand that for women in particular, who may want to start a family on a sound foundation, economic security and sexual compatibility are key issues. But especially because women have fought objectification of their physical characteristics by advertising, mass media and men in general, I would have hoped for a bit more understanding.
Everyone, ultimately, is entitled to their personal preferences, and to pursue them vigilantly and vehemently. (And, everyone is ultimately entitled to end up alone).
But hearing terms like shorty, broke loser and baldie thrown around casually and disparagingly seems to lack the compassion and humanity that is such a key component to genuine connection.
Again, don’t misunderstand. I am not saying that women, for example, should date (or give a chance to) a man who misrepresents his age and is in fact old enough to be their father.
But I truly believe that when you become this jaded, harsh, judgmental and angry in your castigation and objectification of anyone, and particularly the members of the opposite sex that you are seeking to attract, you basically hurt yourself.
Unfortunately dating has become an exercise in commoditization, and the web sites that make money on singles are a big part of that. Everyone says that until they actually meet they know nothing because of “chemistry”, which is undeniable, and yet everyone looks at pictures that they sense are not representatives and then form an impression based on a set of data that they try to interpret as though they were a corporate analyst.
On the other hand, out in the real world, everyone is terrified of looking foolish or being sued for sexual harassment or stalking.
This combination of factors has led everyone, women and men, to be extraordinarily guarded and circumspect in their approaches to potential partners in an area where openness and a bit of daring or risk taking might serve them much better.
Almost every profile I read, even those clearly looking for alpha males who are very successful, want some qualities like sincerity, sensitivity and warmth.
But here’s the real problem: in order to attract those qualities clearly you need to manifest them.
If you’re at a party and a man who is old enough to be your father asks you out (like me), can you recognize the humanity of the gesture or do you need to snicker at him to your friends after he slinks away?
All that any of us really want is a sense of connection, and that doesn’t necessarily mean a wedding or an affair in Paris—it can simply be a few minutes of sincere conversation and wishing each other well.
The harsh tones that I hear from men and women also speak to a sense of entitlement that is really out of whack. The woman who has to have a man who is 6’2” or the man who requires a supermodel brain surgeon is clearly looking to meet a need that is much deeper than any other person can fill.
I am not suggesting that people drop their dreams, settle or compromise, but rather that they realize that the only way to possibly meet these perceived needs is from their inside, by healing the anger and lack that they feel and manifesting the qualities they truly seek to attract.
That 6’2” guy with the house in Malibu may be watching you, wondering whether to ask you out, and when he sees you dump on the short bald loser, he may just turn around and walk away.
 
 
Posted: Jul. 7, 2009 - 3 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

I’ve been thinking lately of the amazing effect Michael Jackson’s death has had on so many people, and while the sheer volume of media attention has surely contributed to the phenomenon, other factors are clearly at work.

For me, I had musical favorites in my life but their personal lives never really affected me. Still, I can recall the circumstances under which I heard most of the Michael’s songs – I was generally “looking for love in the wrong places.”
Michael’s songs were dance numbers that went on for quite a while, so I remember that I would either be dancing with someone and wondering when the song would end, or waiting for the song to end so I could screw up my courage to ask someone else to dance.
The routine epitomized the emptiness that probably contributed to Michael’s demise. I remember dancing with women who never made eye contact seldom asked my name or much else about me.
While deep inside of me I realized that these venues were not where I was likely to find any kind of real depth, connection or love, I was drawn to them by the surface sensuality of the women, the lure of quick and casual sex, and of course the music.
When I connected with someone, it was invariably these surface qualities that became paramount; first of all I would not show interest in anyone who did not appeal to me on the surface, and then that personal would want to know what kind of job I had, where I lived, and what I drove.
Since I was ultimately dissatisfied with my status in these areas, struggling in my own way for the fame and fortune that Michael had in abundance, I told myself that I could be happy and fulfilled in the future – when I “make it” I will have lots of friends, fall in love, and there will be no more loneliness.
I also was convinced that if I “made it”, I would finally be among the elite of society who would fully appreciate my talents and insights. Certainly in the coveted inner circle of others who had “made it” there would be peace and happiness.
Where did these concepts come from? If I am honest, they came from my father, my peers and the culture, which placed “making it,” particularly in material terms, at the top of the hierarchy of personal requirements. In thinking about it, with my dad it was actually kind of contradictory, because on a personal level my father was extremely loving and warm, but in “preparing me for life” he stressed being tough minded and making it to the top.
It seems that Michael’s father drove him particularly hard for success, and presumably held out the same promise that when Michael made it, all would be well.
The tragic irony of course for Michael is that he really “made it”, and yet all of that fame and fortune could not fulfill his need for real love, and he needed the continuing adulation of millions to make him feel satisfied.
His life manifest the ultimate disconnect between outer success and inner yearnings for true connection and love.
All of the descriptions of his personal life talk about his loneliness and isolation, and the anxiety he felt on many levels probably led to the sleeplessness that ultimately cost him his life.
Yet the millions who are flocking to memorialize him generally have the same aspirations and values; their consumption of his music and identification with a “legend” that they never personally knew speak to their need to find fulfillment in areas that Michael discovered – when he had them in abundance – could not fill him up.
The lucky people are the ones who discover that you’d better find connection, peace and happiness before you make it because if that’s how you expect to get it, you’re in for a rude awakening.
One man who wrote about this discovery is a scientist, Mani Bhaumik, who came from one of the poorest areas of India, got a scholarship, and made a fortune as one of the developers of the laser eye surgery procedure that is now so popular.
Living in Los Angeles, Bhaumik describes his ascendancy to the fast lane in his book, Code Name: God, and its culmination at a pool party at his resplendent home in the hills where he ultimately came face to face with the meaninglessness of his materialist existence, and his ride to fame and fortune.
Bhaumik’s experience led him back to his Indian roots, and his scientific background made him look closely at quantum physics as a basis for a connection with a higher level of intelligence through meditation.
He went from Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous to a personal journey of self discovery, and many of his friends disappeared from his life.
There are many stories of Michael Jackson’s (true) friends with his real interests in mind who urged him to get off the insanely self indulgent and materialistic ride that led to his isolation and his death. (If you object to my characterization, take a look a the special on Neverland on CNN, or recall the excesses that were routinely the focus of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous).
It might be postulated that Michael’s ego and his appetites overwhelmed his better inner wisdom and nature, to the point where he could not control them.
With deaths like Michael’s and the many other famous people who have passed recently, I have begun to reflect on where I might be if I had “made it” to the extent that I once so yearned for.
It would have taken an amazing amount of good fortune to enable me to avoid many of the same pitfalls; the fact is that I looked for material and sensory gratification at my own level of success for years. In terms of a deep relationship, fame or great success would most likely have allowed me to attract women whom I was much better off having reject me, as it turned out.
At this point in my own life I am reassessing my true nature, and discovering that my sensitivity to a different set of values certainly serves me better than the one I took on earlier in life.
Sometimes that path leads to its own kind of isolation and loneliness. When I watch commercials on televisions, for example, I am constantly conscious of how they appeal to my sense of lacking something that I really don’t need, and that if I had would not fill me up. When I watch others around me I sometimes feel disconnected from many of the things that they value and hope to get.
There is a growing sense of power and inner satisfaction in finding your own way and making up your own mind that I am only now beginning to discover. It’s sad that Michael could never jettison the adopted values of the world he wanted so desperately to embrace him, and find the strength and path to accept and love himself as he was, not as others would have him be.
 
Posted: Jul. 2, 2009 - 5 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: philosophy, ideas

Since 9-11 it is often asserted that fundamentalist Muslims have “hijacked” their religion from presumably more reasonable and mainstream believers in their faith.

Anyone who has followed the news in science recently might say exactly the same thing about the concept of Intelligent Design, and once again the culprits are fundamentalists who have co-opted a set of beliefs, in this case scientific findings, to virulently promote their own narrow interpretation.

Particularly in the fields of quantum physics and genetics, there is an increasing awareness on the part of scientists that natural phenomena cannot be explained or predicted without taking into account the presence of an underlying mental component. Heisenberg and even Einstein first introduced these concepts in physics; in genetics the implications are more subtle.

We are increasingly told about the genetic code; the genome (which is the code underlying an individual or species) has been sequenced (interpreted as a series of alphabetic letters) and at the TED conference in Monterey last year, geneticist Juan Enriquez
described the apple as “an application.” When it receives enough energy from the sun the apple “executes” its code (just like a computer program) and falls from a tree.

If you’ve ever worked with computers you’ve had an experience that points to what this means (and I acknowledge that scientists are uncomfortable with the notion of meaning). You’re working on a new computer program or application, or even installing a peripheral, and it doesn’t work. You reread the manual or maybe even call a help desk, and the problem gets solved – and here’s what happens: You realize that the computer was right.

What you then realize is the device or the program functioned exactly as it was supposed to, but you misunderstood something in the instructions. The malfunction was not some random event – when you understand it from a higher perspective it makes total sense from the vantage point of your new understanding. When you can align yourself with the system that conceived the program or device, suddenly everything about the incident becomes clear – it is no longer seemingly random – it is the obvious result of comprehensible intelligence.

This is precisely the current predicament of science. As it tries to decipher nature its findings are incomplete, but in every nook and cranny they point to something unmistakable – previously the province of mystics and pantheistic religions – there is an unmistakable order, a plan and symmetry at work in nature.

But when they venture forth with these findings the results are not pretty.

Ben Stein is addressing this issue in an upcoming film,
“Expelled the Movie”, in which he asserts that scientists who question some of the theories of Darwin are being expelled from universities and ostracized by their peers for being religious kooks. This is of course a frightening prospect; if findings can be empirically verified they should be allowed into science and if alternatives to Darwin’s theories are rational they should be taught.

But it’s a false conundrum. The problem isn’t Darwinism or even Evolution – it’s the issue of what originally started the ball rolling. Strict scientists believe that random acts like lightening could have triggered evolution and hence life is a random event with no meaning or mental component at work. Mystery solved.

But is it? Some geneticists claim they are years away from creating life in a test tube – but have they? It seems so far they have only created one life form from another.

If their scientific colleagues who are brushing up against the evidence of paradox in the form of a mental or intelligent component at work in nature are being unfairly banished from their positions as scientists, that is an absurdity that results from only one thing – the fact that this concept which is entirely legitimate for scientific exploration has been hijacked by fundamentalists in this country.

They want Intelligent Design taught in schools as a theory of the existence of God – essentially an anthropomorphic construct with obvious problems. We do not know anything about the existence of a God, much less which God is the right one, or what His or Her motives may be.

But we cannot allow earnest scientific investigation into a mental component of nature to be torpedoed by such a fundamentalist interpretation when it may yield immense breakthroughs in the area of medicine, space exploration and fields as yet unforeseen.

The finite human mind seems incapable of accepting an effect without a cause, and yet science is coming up against that paradox inside the atom and at the edge of the known universe. Scientists like
Mani Bhaumik, inventor of Lasik and author of “Code Name God” have already begun to compare and even reconcile findings in their fields with ancient religious theories – but totally within the context of accepted scientific discovery. But such scientists do not necessarily contend, and in fact Bhaumik would surely not believe, that locating the presence of intelligence in nature proves that the earth was created in less than a week, or that a puppet master was pulling the strings in the universe or directing the lives of individuals on this planet.

Freeing ourselves from the constraints of this dichotomy, between limiting the scope of scientific inquiry or accepting beliefs based only on faith, is very likely a key to the next great quantum (pardon the pun) leaps in both science and health and we must grant our greatest minds the freedom to explore nature in its fullness, even if it leads to the conclusion that far greater minds exist.