I can tell you that a few years ago I got a message online from a woman who recognized my profile from another site we had both been on previously, and she asked me how I did it. What? I asked. How did you shave five years off your age since the last time I saw your profile?

So I am guilty like so many of us of thinking that the real me could not “succeed” in the dating world.

Unfortunately this speaks to the deep insecurities of many of us, and in fact the success of online can probably be traced directly to the fact that we can try to mask some of these perceived shortcomings behind a virtual profile.

Of course I realize that this is a mistake, if in fact the objective is to transcend fantasy and actually connect in the real world.

In fact, I have long been a proponent of honesty in almost everything I do, mainly because it makes it so much easier to keep my story straight.

But I guess what troubles me about the quotes in the “Liar, Liar” piece and what I hear around me in general is the anger and harsh tone of people involved in something that is essentially an interpersonal endeavor to find connection.

It’s really about humanity, not statistics.

I completely understand that for women in particular, who may want to start a family on a sound foundation, economic security and sexual compatibility are key issues. But especially because women have fought objectification of their physical characteristics by advertising, mass media and men in general, I would have hoped for a bit more understanding.

Everyone, ultimately, is entitled to their personal preferences, and to pursue them vigilantly and vehemently. (And, everyone is ultimately entitled to end up alone).

But hearing terms like shorty, broke loser and baldie thrown around casually and disparagingly seems to lack the compassion and humanity that is such a key component to genuine connection.

Again, don’t misunderstand. I am not saying that women, for example, should date (or give a chance to) a man who misrepresents his age and is in fact old enough to be their father.

But I truly believe that when you become this jaded, harsh, judgmental and angry in your castigation and objectification of anyone, and particularly the members of the opposite sex that you are seeking to attract, you basically hurt yourself.

Unfortunately dating has become an exercise in commoditization, and the web sites that make money on singles are a big part of that. Everyone says that until they actually meet they know nothing because of “chemistry”, which is undeniable, and yet everyone looks at pictures that they sense are not representatives and then form an impression based on a set of data that they try to interpret as though they were a corporate analyst.

On the other hand, out in the real world, everyone is terrified of looking foolish or being sued for sexual harassment or stalking.

This combination of factors has led everyone, women and men, to be extraordinarily guarded and circumspect in their approaches to potential partners in an area where openness and a bit of daring or risk taking might serve them much better.

Almost every profile I read, even those clearly looking for alpha males who are very successful, want some qualities like sincerity, sensitivity and warmth.

But here’s the real problem: in order to attract those qualities clearly you need to manifest them.

If you’re at a party and a man who is old enough to be your father asks you out (like me), can you recognize the humanity of the gesture or do you need to snicker at him to your friends after he slinks away?

All that any of us really want is a sense of connection, and that doesn’t necessarily mean a wedding or an affair in Paris—it can simply be a few minutes of sincere conversation and wishing each other well.

The harsh tones that I hear from men and women also speak to a sense of entitlement that is really out of whack. The woman who has to have a man who is 6’2” or the man who requires a supermodel brain surgeon is clearly looking to meet a need that is much deeper than any other person can fill.

I am not suggesting that people drop their dreams, settle or compromise, but rather that they realize that the only way to possibly meet these perceived needs is from their inside, by healing the anger and lack that they feel and manifesting the qualities they truly seek to attract.

That 6’2” guy with the house in Malibu may be watching you, wondering whether to ask you out, and when he sees you dump on the short bald loser, he may just turn around and walk away.