I’m Still Single, Deal with It!

by Tom Bunzel (web site link)

In about a week it will be seven years since I published a column in the Jewish Journal called Why I’m Still Single.  At the time, I was active online and at various singles events, and invariably a conversation with a woman would come around to “you’ve never been married” (what’s wrong with you?)

What was ironic was that both women and men that I met at that time were particularly angry at their most recent husband, wife, lover, boyfriend etc. and would spend a lot of time letting me know just how bad their relationship(s) had been.

So in a fit of self examination, I wrote the article linked to above, and it was cathartic to humorously examine the various turns my life had taken, and also some of the defenses that had kept me from connecting; at the time, like many people, I was operating under the concept of finding “the one” (who would complete my life and make everything all right).  What that meant was that unwittingly I had bought into the same theory the women that cross-examined me were suggesting—something was fundamentally wrong with me.

That’s kind of why I’m intrigued by the concept of Singular and SingularCity.com.  Because through some work I’ve done recently I have come to recognize that operating from the basis of searching for someone is coming from a position of being less than okay.

From this position, inevitably you assume an inferior position (because you’re missing something) and that translates into negative energy that will ultimately allow you to successfully avoid relationship of any kind. 

When you date, as a guy your inferior position is increased by the assumption that it is up to you to show off and impress your new friend, mostly with external showy types of things—presumably because that testifies to your potential for being financially stable and supportive.

Well, in case you haven’t noticed, a lot of things have changed in seven years.

For one thing, many of the women you are likely to meet are self sufficient and like it that way.  They don’t necessarily like to be wined and dined if it’s an exercise in control, which from a person feeling less than it generally is. 

What they’re looking for, if I am right, is what we all need—real connection—and in many cases today’s singles have discovered that the trappings of a romantic relationship in the Hollywood sense are just that, a trap.

Both parties are set up to play roles that if successful they will need to maintain for the rest of their lives, and if you’re like me you’ve discovered that that’s just self defeating and completely exhausting. 

I cringe when I watch network television and see a domestic “comedy” which is all about fooling the other party with a false self in some contrived situation.  While we can all recognize ourselves in these roles, at this point in my life I just don’t want to participate anymore.

But what’s the alternative?

Society has rules and roles and in many ways if you don’t go along you either feel like an outcast or isolate yourself.  That’s a really losing position.

To me, it comes down to learning to accept that connection doesn’t necessarily come in just one pre-ordained type of package.  It doesn’t have to happen over dinner and movie (and become even more complicated by sex) and it can happen over dinner and movie with a friend of the opposite sex, or someone of the same sex (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

And you can connect with a group of people and you can have fun without setting a goal to meet that special someone.

When you go up against social conditioning like this, as you know, it’s not easy.  The pressure to find “true love” only gets more intense as you get older and the added stress only tends to increase the sense of lack or incompleteness.

If you can shift your perspective, however, you can see the dropping of these roles as a chance at defining yourself in new and exciting ways, and connecting with all kinds of people in a host of new and potentially exciting places—both externally (museums, restaurants, and so on) and internally (intellectually and emotionally). 

So seven years after I wrote Why I’m Still Single I am choosing not to see my single status as a failure or something that needs to be explained, but instead I view myself as having been a early adopter of a lifestyle that many people are learning to embrace today.

 (If you're interested in my ideas on other subjects, please take a look at my personal blog)